Confession: I think Seinfeld is among the stupidest shows ever created.

But it brought one family’s winter celebration of Festivus into the pop culture canon, and birthed the tradition of an “airing of grievances,” a time to sit around and recount the many ways the world has disappointed you that year.

And that’s glorious.

I have a few bones to pick with my fellow marketers, and now you’re gonna hear about it.

For your consideration, here are five top-of-mind grievances to wrap up my emails for the year.
(btw, if you’re looking for a marketing tip somewhere in today’s message, the tip is “don’t”.)

📫 “Happy holidays” emails from brands

I have written about this before: on President’s Day. Memorial Day. Thanksgiving. This is a hill I will die on. 

Please, for the love of Kramer, stop clogging your subscribers’ inboxes with meaningless crap, no matter how well-intentioned. 

😵‍💫 Complicated unsubscribe processes

I should not have do any of the following to leave your list:

⛔ Hunt around for an unsubscribe link
⛔ Re-enter my email address
⛔ Log in to my account
⛔ Fill out a CAPTCHA validation (this actually happened to me last week — sir, why would a robot be asking to unsubscribe?)

Under no circumstances should it take 10–14 business days to remove me from your list.

And please do not email me to confirm that you will no longer be emailing me.

We have the tools. We have the talent. We can make it easy for people to revoke their consent to contact them.

🛁 RELATED: Throwing the baby out with the bathwater

Sometimes I don’t want to hear about whatever program you’re launching, course creator. But I enjoy hearing from you on a regular basis. 

I don’t want to unsubscribe — just spare my inbox and let me nap until this is over.

But if you’re gonna make it all or nothing… I guess I’m Audi 5000. 

Fun fact: Many email marketing tools will make it simple to create campaign-based unsubscribe options! I use them all the time. (Using ActiveCampaign and want to know more about how I do it? Hit me back.)

📱 Wonky mobile sites

This is actually a beef with one specific performing arts organization in Chicago.

I really wanted to go to your show this week, fam, but your ticketing website was so bad on mobile, and the discount-code feature so deeply broken, that I stayed home last night and watched The Holiday instead. 

(In truth, I am not mad about this. I am never mad about a rendez-vous with Mr. Napkin Head.)

If e-commerce is a thing you do, I implore you: Find a solution that’s responsive right outta the box. People are shopping on their phones — we have the data.

Same goes for your website-website. (Grab your phone. Check it now. Call your developer if it’s borked, and pay them time and a half to fix your site over the holidays.)

Do not be allergic to money 🤧

🤬 Dishonorable mention: Instagram

Mark Zuckerberg put a Threads button on the share screen where Stories used to be. Juuuuuust to chap my ass.

Listen. I don’t want to post this Reel of a guy screaming into the void as he bangs out Mariah’s Christmas anthem on the piano — not on Threads.

Instagram knew exactly what it was doing. It’s crappy UX. And I cannot bring myself to de-Instagram, so…here we find ourselves.

Moral: Don’t move people’s cheese if the Brie was already hitting the spot where it was, y’all.

Keep the change, ya filthy animal.